So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
