Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
