Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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