dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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