I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
