i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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