My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
