Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Damn victory sex feels great
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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