he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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