i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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