i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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