He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
