hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
