i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
