is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
