You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
