go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Are we still banned from the library?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
