Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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