Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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