dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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