So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
