Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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