if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
