One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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