I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize