theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
