okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
