Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
