true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
