i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
