and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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