Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
where am i from again
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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