A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
