My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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