I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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