John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
