i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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