I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
