Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
