So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
