PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
