between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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