I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
