Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
