You're a womanizer and a bitch.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
