I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
