The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
