I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
