My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
