Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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