look no pants
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
